“Without losers, there wouldn’t be winners” – unknown author, but probably aloser.
As we approach the climax of the college football season, The Sage ofCollege Football (your humble author) suggests that we turn our attention for afew moments to those programs that once held such promise in the late summermonths, only to smack their noodles into the frozen artificial turf ofDecember’s reality. For some teams, season ending games conclude with theritual of tearing down of goalposts. Others result in the school selling offunused hot dogs from the stadium deep freeze to starving students who spenttheir student loan money on beer.
At the professional level, teams that finish at the bottom refer to thistime of year as the beginning of golf season. And given the paychecks of mostplayers and coaches, they don’t have to worry much about competing withretirees for tee times. The one disappointment in 2008 has been that in writingabout the college game, the Sage can’t slam the Detroit Lions. The pitiful oldmotor city franchise looks as it has finally blown all it’s gaskets and noteven the team ownership seems to care. At least Lions players get paidsomething for losing. Professional players have a paycheck coming in and avacation to look forward to. At the college level though, players on losingteams are compelled to visit their respective Religious Studies Departments toseek inner peace. Their coaches seek employment.
Fans of losing college teams also use the offseason for contemplativereflection. One of the more interesting observations occurs when theover-dedicated fan reviews how much money was spent following the team into thetoilet. Season tickets, beer and liquor, nachos and hot dogs and the associatedmedical bills really add up.
Mental Health experts concluded long ago that dedicating too much timeeffort and money on one’s team is also hard on relationships. For those fanslucky enough to have identified a different-sex partner to share the misery ofa disastrous season, this presents a double-edged sword. On one hand, the fanmay have someone with whom to share the burdens of recovery. On the other, theleft over bills and charge card accounts may run double. And for what? Seeingtheir team scrape together one or two wins against lower divisionopponents?
Sports Information Offices use this time to come up with new promotionalideas. The Sage has always wanted to be in on an SIO meeting after a 1 and 11campaign. The new promo ideas generally center on how to convince alumni tooverlook the annual season ticket price increase. Or… how to creatively informalumni that their reserved parking places that have been in the family forgenerations, are being discontinued so that the school can construct a new kilnfor the Art department. Names of alumni that agree to repurchase their seats atinflated prices are handed over to the University Development Office forimmediate inclusion in the fund raising effort du jour.
A common technique used by losing institutions is to cloud the record of thepast year by introducing a new head coach. Individuals agreeing to take thesejobs generally extract huge sums for this. Standing before confused andbewildered fans and players and promising to right the ship by “changing theway we think” and “bringing in a winning attitude” is something that shouldgenerate a huge paycheck by itself. Saying this stuff with a straight facetakes talent. The Detroit Lions ownership should be taking notice… this is atleast something to try.
The university staff at Washington has a unique challenge this year. Theabysmal Huskies competed a 0-12 season capped off by a 48-7 shellacking at thehands of Cal – hardly the kind of game one wants to end a season on. At leastthey played that one in Berkeley. Adding misery to insult, the Huskies perfectrecord sets a new mark for futility within the Pac-10. The wise old Sage ofCollege Football (your humble author) can’t wait to see how the institutionspins this one. The Huskies have already completed their search for a new headcoach and have convinced a Mr. Steve Sarkisian to give up some great weather atSouthern Cal to take over the Pac-10’s doormat program. The Sage wishes CoachSark a hearty “good luck.” He may learn to appreciate the fog that rolls intoHusky Stadium. It does make players, coaches and the future difficult tosee.
The Huskies however, aren’t the only college team with a lot to forget from2008. And it is indeed time to put the final nail in the 2008 coffin for theseteams. Looking ahead, some of these programs will emerge from the ranks of theworst to achieve respectability. Others will trip and fall on their snooterscoming out of the locker room for the spring game.
It is will pride then, that the Sage of College Football presents his picksfor the worst 10 teams in college football. However, we should first review afew rules. Primarily, only teams that actually harbor any ambition to becomeBCS qualified or to –gasp- compete for a national championship one day, areincluded. Secondly, only major conferences are included. When was the lastMiddle-America or Conference USA team that had a shot at a big time title? TheSage isn’t thinking that Eastern, Central or Western Michigan seriouslyentertain thoughts of a national championship. So.. without further ado, hereare the Sage’s picks for the 10 worst college football teams of 2008.
1. Washington Huskies – Obviously….The purple dogs of the northwest found away to get the job done in all games this year, including some monumentaldefeats to Notre Dame, USC and UCLA. Admittedly these are cherry-picked games,but the soggy doggies of Seattle lost these games by a combined score of 116 to14. In the process, the poor purple team sent its fans off to Starbucks earlyin each home game. Even though the Huskies kept a game or two close for awhile, they still gave up a grand total of 136 points more than they scored inseven home games this year.
2. Washington State Cougars – It is usually a good season if the Cougarsbeat archrival and Pac-10 foe Washington in the annual campaign. Unfortunatelyfor the Cougars, that was their only conference win. Interestingly, the onlyother Cougar victory occurred back in September against a team from PortlandState. The Sage is unsure when the Big Sky Conference boasted its last nationalcontender. The state of Washington deserves a honorable mention in the 2008FirstWorst rankings this year for producing two of the most dismal gridironperformances in history.
3. Idaho Vandals -The Sage has endured another season waiting in vain forIdaho to change its hapless name. The name “Vandals” would normally inspireimages of a wild hoard sacking villages and carrying off opposing cheerleaders.This team doesn’t provide much – other than a good excuse to carry off a fewcold ones from the local Git N Go. The only Vandal victories (admittedly acontradiction in terms) came in games against other awful programs at NewMexico State and Idaho State.
4. New Mexico State Aggies – The Sage thought that all programs named“Aggies” had been forced into a change by disgruntled alumni. Particularly foranyone that lives within smelling distance of Las Cruces, you know there isn’ta lot of agribusiness taking place there except for the miles of feedlots alongI-10. One would think that the school would be anxious to change the name andperhaps try to attract a quality recruit or two. Unfortunately for theseAggies, the 2008 team should have been forced off the field. Despite a decentwin against archrival Texas El Paso, the Aggies could only manage more pointsin games against Alcorn and Nevada.
5. Indiana Hoosiers – It is alternately a pleasure and a bit of adisappointment to include a Big Ten team in the FirstWorst rankings. One ofcollege football’s most storied conferences boasts a tradition of greatrivalries and thrilling games. Unfortunately at Indiana, the rivalry is withthe basketball program to see who can attract more fans to a single game. SinceBobby Knight’s departure, even this has become interesting. Still, basketballat Indiana attracts great athletes who might be able to give the football teama good game. Indiana does deserve credit for trying to follow a proven pathwayto respectability. After scheduling games with Western Kentucky and someonecalled Murray State (also from Kentucky) the Hoosiers minimized travel costs inpaying someone to visit the school and lose. After a 2-0 start, the Hoosiersreturned to reality, managing only one conference win – their Homecoming Gameover Northwestern.
6. Duke Blue Devils –The Bluish Devils have been a favorite whipping boy forthe FirstWorst rankings over the years. As they play in one of the monsterfootball conferences, winning seasons are few and far between. However onewould think that with all the brain power at Duke, the program should at leastcompete for something besides last place. To their credit, Duke did manage acouple reasonably good quality wins over Virginia and Vanderbilt. Imaginecalling a win over the Cavaliers and Commodores “quality” wins.
7. Louisville Cardinals –These Cardinals had a really good schedule in their2008 campaign to get back into the bowl picture. But by giving up nearly 200points in their last five games sealed their place in the FirstWorst rankings.The Cards finished strong with a five game losing streak including losses toSyracuse and a 64 to 14 smackdown at the hands of Rutgers.
8. Syracuse Orange –Teams with singular team names (Orange or in Stanford’scase, ‘Cardinal’) deserve to lose. Football is a team game played by multipleplayers. Although it may be grammatically correct to call a team a singularname, the practice strays from well established tradition and teams that strayfrom tradition deserve to get whacked. But we digress… Syracuse did manage tobeat #7 Louisville in 2008. They also managed a win over the powerhouse programat Northeastern. For each team, there is one game that justifies the annualseason ticket price increase, and Syracuse didn’t disappoint, by delivering asolid effort in an exciting win over Notre Dame in late November. Still onequality win does not a season make.
9.San Diego State Aztecs –Oh Ouch! A season with wins over Idaho and NevadaLas Vegas doesn’t qualify as a banner year. Still the Aztecs play in San Diegoand the recruits that signed up to play there are thanking their lucky starsthat they didn’t sign with Buffalo or someplace where it gets cold. And after aloss, Aztec players can still go to the beach and oogle the babes in bikinis.The Aztecs had some decent games on the schedule for 2008 and they came throughby losing most of them – including a 21-13 loss to Notre Dame in week two. TheAztec’s best effort came against Brigham Young, in which the Aztecsuncharacteristically delivered a strong road win 41 – 12. Alumni should belooking for their price increases in the mail shortly.
10. Wyoming Cowboys -Any teams playing in brown home uniforms are going tohave trouble on the field. Recruiting players to cold and windswept Laramie isdifficult enough without dressing them up in the same colors as –well – thepart of the cold and windswept prairie that is used by cows. For many years oneof the tallest buildings in the state of Wyoming was the football stadium. Andnow the Cowboy faithful can expect to pay a bit more for their seats in WarMemorial Stadium due to the Cowboys win over (I can’t believe I’m writing this)the Tennessee Volunteers. Granted, UT had a difficult year, but losing toWyoming? Oweee! Anyway.. the Cowboys managed a top ten FirstWorst finish bymanaging only one Mountain West win and that over San Diego State.
So the 2008 college football season comes to a close for the programs at thebottom. The offseason will be filled with coaches looking for work and playerslooking for cheerleaders. No doubt the Detroit Lions coaching staff will besurveying the ranks of FirstWorst schools scouring for players willing tocontinue their losing tradition.
As college football fans wait for the spring games and look for ways tobuild false hope for 2009, the Sage will continue to bring you the wild andoutrageous side of losing.
For more wit and wisdom, please visit the Sage’s home page at http://firstworst.com